so anita's been bitching lately about how i'm playing games too much. she's also got alot to say about how i've been bothering her about the stuff she's got to do. and also how i hate when she makes me repeat her.

well... firstly. its my fucking right do whatever thf cuk i want to fucking do. you can't fucking control me. if i wanna play a fucking game, then im fucking gonna. you can't fucking make any money, or fucking go to school, or fucking do anything, if you fucking give all your fucking time to someone. that's probably fucking why shit hasn't gotten done lately. and she's fucking trying to say i don't fucking give her attention. well if she fucking let me go over there when i fucking wanted, then fucking shit would fucking be alright. but fucking right now she just fucking comes over, bothers me and goes away. and then she fucking blogs about how i fucking ignore her. she's just fucking bored and trying to get me to appease her. im not fucking here to keep her fucking entertained. ive got shit im trying to do. she's got shit she's trying to do. and in our downtime we spend it with each other. she just doesn't get this simple thing. right now shit isn't right. she's trying to get all my time. she's trying to get me to be with her always. and it's just fucking pissing me off. and it's fucking doing the opposite. she turns herself into something i want to avoid. i fucking need some fucking freedom. a fucking relationship isn't a fucking jail sentance. but it fucking sure feels like that sometimes. some of the shit she fuckin says fuckin really gets on my nerves. tryin to fuckin say i ignoreher. thats fuckin not the truth at all. how many fucking times have i fucking talked to her about her shit. she doesnt understand what a fucking limit is. she doesnt understand what a fucking boundary is. sometimes i need to fucking focus on my shit. if she wants to fuckin join fucking in with what i fuckin do, thats fuckin great. but fuckin otherwise, she's fuckin tryin to just fuckin stop me. don't fucking put yourself as a barrier between me and what i'm trying to do. it's fucking simple. you've gotta understand that there's shit that i do, that i'm gonna wanna do, and there's not a fucking damn thing you can do to stop me. if you wanna fuckin be around me, then fuckin try and do it with me. instead of fucking trying to stop me from doing it, and then fucking just... fucking getting me to do boring shit.

lying on a fucking bed. how fucking boring is that. when im fucking feeling active. i know she's fucking feeling miserable right now. but im fucking not. i fucking know how to avoid that shit. and she fucking tries to fucking get me to lie with her. fucking do nothing all day. im fucking sorry but i have a fucking way of doing shit. and my fucking way gets shit done. your fucking way leaves me fucking not doing anything. that fucking list on my wall fucking hasnt been touched. she's just fucking acting like im supposed ot be there always. so all the shit i used to do i cant do now. fucking rediculous. so im supposed to just fucking volunteer all my fucking time to fucking help her with her fuckign shit and fucking never focus on my shit. this is what she fuckign wants and she's fucking not gonna get it. i was born and i will die. between then i wanna do a few things. supporting someone is ok. but i dont wanna devote every second of my life to doing that. if you wanna fucking be aruond me, do shit with me. if we have nothing in fucking common, then that's the fucking sign that we're not fucking right. you know that we fucking have music in common. maybe there's fucking other things too. fucking figure those out, and fucking do them.

but its fucking rediculous. all the fucking shit i've been feeling, it's fucking true. im just trying to fucking play my game and she comes over and btiches and it's like wtf? why the fuck are you botherin g the fuck out of me just to get me to lie in that stupid uncomfortable bed and do fucking nothing for hours wh the fuck do you think that that's fun and that i am somehow obliged to do sjust because you're my "girlfriend" a title that doesnt mean anything. yes i like you i want the best for youbut that doesnt mean now i become your slave because of it but yeah its rediculous. so im like sitting there on the coch in the middle of a fight and she'll like come between me and the pc on purpose its like she's decided the pc is her enemy and it's like... why are you doing this... you never did this with my guitar... bhut the truth of it is basically its because she doesnt play computer games but she does play music. she used to go disappear in a room and play music and i wouldnt bother her i knew she was busy and i knew she was doing something cool so i was looking forward to her coming out and showing me what she had and thats how it turned out. with this im getting better at a game im coming to understand a genre of game an dits cool and then she's like trying to tear me away from it ebcause apparently the only good thing this game has going for it is the time it takes what a narrowminded view that is man this game does a hell of alot more than that it's teaching me about turn based games which are hugely popular in the industry but ive never really spent much time with at least with the turn based STRATEGY games secondly its a fairly popular game heavily modded and that opens up the programming avenue but thirdly ive not been playing ANY games for a LONG while whereas i used to game EVERY DAY so like this is fucking nothing compared to my EQ days. she needs to have a better appreciation for how much time a realy time consuming game will take from you. but the main thing is if she can't enjoy me playing it maybe she can enjoy playing it herself. yes, maybe she should try the game out instead of demonizing it like some mom or like some evangelical witch-burning fool.

basically im pretty fucking tired of like every loittle fucking like objection when i just do what i want to do. since when did i lose that right. when did i give that shit away. and what exactly am i getting for it. just an earful of bitches. a bedfull of lying around and doing nothing. and a list full of errands and places that im supposed to drive her. she does the fucking laundry and mowes the lawn, but nobody fucking told her to do it. she just does it, then whines cause she "has to" do it. i ask her for sandwiches because i think she doesnt mind and even enjoys it, but even this has now because "one of those things" that basically bother the fuck out of her. her main problem is she's too much of a pussy, she'll hate all the shit she does, but not say a single fucking word about it. instead she'll just sit there, smile, kiss you, hug etc, sit on her pc, like normal. which btw she's completely ignoring. she spends like all day on her pc, with headphones on. at least i dont fucking put phones on. cause if i did she wouldnt eve be able to takl to me. which is like how it is with me and her. i have to like repeat shit like 50 times before she hears me, and by that point i just completely have lost interest in talking to her at all. so she's lookin at me and im just pissed off more than anything for having to repeat myself alot. and like, when there's no music, no tv, why the fuck do you still need to put headphones on. it's fucking rediculous. so basically, you fucking hypocrite, take your damn headphones off before you start bitching about the shit i do. and then the mess, its like, look at your fucking place, youre supposed to be clean, but instead you just live in a mess. wtf. and she's like "cleaning makes me happy". and she's obiovusly like real down right now. then fucking clean. stop being so damn stupid and just clean your shit, and you'l fucking feel better. it's called TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. try it out sometime. you might find your a way more functional person for it. fuckin rediculous. and then she comes over here, bitches about games. wtf. she games herself. maybe not now, but she's tryin to get me a wii ps3 or xbox360. then i play a pc game, which is the SAME FUCKING THING and then she like fucking bitches. wake the fuck up. you just spent a week trying to get me to buy one. now i have one, and you bitch. welcome to a situation that YOU CREATED. stop bitching and just look in the mirror, because its your own fuckin fault. if you wanna bitch, at least speak the whole truth and mention that it was your idea to buy the game, that i was turning it down. so wake the fuck up. fucking complaining about nonsense. and then the food shit. ok, so i ask for a sandwich. you can always say "no". but apparently thats too difficult for you. and apparently its easier to write like six paragraphs on blogger instead. fucking rediculous. speak your fucking midn out. dont hold back and then bitch on the net. fucking rediculous. walkin around causin trouble. and like, whinin about attention and shit. fuckin rediculous. this place is shitty enough. parents who fuckin are like fuckin prison guards. but when you start to bitch, its like wtf. just fucking cool your fucking shit. wake the fuck up and realize that nobodys trying to fucking fight you. youre just trying to make people feel shitty for no reason. and youre fucking making yourself feel shitty too. its fucking rediculous. you have no reason to do that. except maybe your dad who fucking beat you, your fucking grandpa who fuckin raped you, your fuckin mom who fuckin ignored you, maybe your fuckin schools, maybe your fuckin drug friends, maybe your fucking fuckup friends. who fucking knows. maybe its all of them. maybe its none of them. but the bottom line is thats how you are. fyucking address it. its like she wants me to like, address the fact that im on the pc with a game, yet she doesnt wnana address her own shit. she;s like depressed all the time. she actually goes out of her way to make herself depressed. then there's all the bullshit about like, how she's basically like talkin herself down at every twist and turn. she like, fuckin goes over to her parents, to get yelled at. and then like a few days later, she's taklin bout how she wants to go back. im like... wtf. yourstepdad just yelled and now you wanna head abck there? wtf is wrong with you. wake up and recognize that you needa fuckin avoid that place. if you value yourself at all anyway. if you think you are a piece of shit and eserved to get beaten / yelled at and the like, then fuckin go ahead and walk right into the lions den. otherwise if youre a self respecting and positive person if you think you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, then fuckin make a decision that fucking backs that fucking viewpoint, and just fucking never go back to your stepdads again.

so this whole traveling thing is interesting. we've got like the boston thing sitting hte back ofour minds still of coruse. the land of the punks irish and the east coast bostonian new england capital european HQ that i've been salivating over for awhile. the truth of it is i have no interest in going to Boston persay, but it is a step in the right direction for any sort of England / UK life. Now I've been doign some figuring and it's strange, how i still consider myself british right? because i've lived so many years over here, and you'd think i'd by now maybe give it a rest and just admit that perhaps i'm american. but something inside me has always kinda driven me to kinda proclaim myself british. i was born there, lived there for about... well... seven years. fifteen other years were over here in the states, so go figure. but the thing of it is, is that well ic an probably move back and forth either way without issue, its not a huge deal. i just need to find out like wherei wanna go hah.

boston - cali - minnesota - colorado - maine

this are indeed places that i am interested of visiting. so there are places where i think i'd like to go to. california is keeping my fancy and making me feel like i'd rather enjoy my own place.